Miscarriage, a loss of a baby, but it is so much more than that.

I never understood it until we experienced it. It is a pain that never stops hurting. It is a thought that is there every morning, every night, and multiple times throughout the day. It is the feeling of failure. Failure at being a wife and failure at being a woman because physically I should be able to create a life. It is anger. Anger at myself, specifically my body for ending a life. Anger at others that get to experience pregnancy and successfully have a baby. Feeling so bitter has been so hard.

I’ve been told many things that have hurt more than help, such as, “You’re young, it will happen for you,” or “Just go get drunk and you’ll have a baby,” or even, “It wasn’t really a baby”. Be aware of what you say or how you say things. Maybe just be a listening ear.

We loved the baby we lost. We wanted the baby we lost. So many forced smiles to make it through the day or in hopes to convince myself that I’m ok. The hardest smile to fake was when asked if/when we planned to start a family. Be sensitive. Be more aware that miscarriage and infertility are common.

Our scars are on our hearts. It’s something that you can’t see to know we are struggling. I am a daughter, a sister, an aunt. I am a wife and now a new mom. I’ve struggled with anxiety most of my life. My miscarriage made my anxiety worse. It also brought on depression. Although I now have my son Dominic, I still have days that I struggle and feel sad. My heart will forever ache for what was lost, but be forever grateful for my beautiful baby boy.